It's the Things You Don't Say That Really Matter

I’ll be the first to admit. I’m an asshole. Beneath the infamous “puppy dog eyes,” lies a calculating, heartless dick who speaks his mind without anyone asking him to. A person who’s quick to insult and even quicker to judge. A prick that can call you stupid right in your face, and have everyone laugh at you, and you’ll never know you’re being made fun of. A person, who, just doesn’t “listen...”

I’m not particularly tactful when it comes to certain situations; I just speak whatever’s on my mind at the time, not fully taking the care to internally edit my words and make them seem a tad less “edgy.” Some would call it being “blunt,” others would call it being rude. I simply call it “giving out the hard medicine.” Whatever the case may be, there are clearly times when I could use a better choice of wording to express my thoughts to those who aren’t particularly hardened enough to deal with my brand of discourse. While some may not believe it, I do, in fact, try to soften my words, and there are clear times when I think I’m actually pretty successful in doing so, taking into consideration, of course, the dark thoughts that had originally filled my mind. The so-called verbal daggers that I launch at people could’ve actually been, figurative M-16 Assault Rifles...so, it could’ve been a whole lot worse...

So, let me get to the point. What follows is a celebration of, not the things that ARE said on a given day, but rather the things that AREN’T said; the thoughts that arise, but are never uttered. The following quotes are actual statements made by me throughout the day, and, in parenthesis, are my actual thoughts. The people these thoughts were directed at, are anonymous.

I’m sure many of you have had thoughts like these before...so, as you will be able to see, I’m not so different from you after all... :-D

A Typical Day Work Day At the IQA...

(bus conductor) “Can I get by you please?”
(me) “Am I in your way? I’m sorry.”
(You fucking fat bitch, I wouldn’t be “in your way” if you had decided to stop the bullshit and drop that pack of Twinkies and the Quarter Pounder w/ Cheese. You ain’t a conductor, you just a straight up road block. I suggest you run your fast ass up them stairs to the second floor of this bus more often.)

(receptionist) “Good morning, Raymond. Your eyes are certainly bright today.”
(me) Good morning, to you, ma dear.
(Yeah, you better believe that my eyes are bright...particularly when it comes down to staring down your shirt...I like that color bra on you...it matches your beautiful blue eyes )

(co-worker) “Would you like some tea?”
(me) “No, thank you.”
(I do want some tea, but I don’t think your ass is going to make it the right way. I can tell you what else you can do for me, though...)
(co-worker) “So, what are your plans for this weekend?”
(me) “Don’t really have anything in mind.”
(Even if I did have anything in mind, let’s be for real...you know you don’t give a fuck over what I have planned, schmuck)

(me) “I think that was a great proposal.”
(Damn son, I have to do some laundry...I need to go grocery shopping...Man, that was an interesting article in the Independent...I really have no idea what you’ve been saying to me for the past five minutes, but just keep on talking so I can continue dazing off into the distance thinking about stuff I have to do)

(me) “Uh...Hello”
(I really hope you didn’t just see me adjust my crotch there.)

(co-worker) “What do you think of the IQA?”
(me) “I think it’s cool. I’m enjoying myself here and learning a lot.”
(It would be nice that I actually knew what the hell I was doing, three weeks into my internship. What I enjoy the most are the girls that are here, clearly. I’m certainly learning a lot through them.)

(me) “Does this thing belong to someone here?”
(Who the fuck put a fucking cactus on my fucking desk? Bitch, get this shit off my work area. You crazy?!)

After work...

(co-worker) “You want anything? A drink? A pint? Something?”
(me) “Nah, I’m cool, thank you.”
(co-worker) “You sure? I got you, no problem”
(me) “Yeah, aight, get me a pint”
(Fuck yeah I want a drink. I might as well play this little game with you so that way it looks like I’m all sincere and nice for not wanting to take advantage of your money, but in reality, shit man, I’m all about free shit...I’m a poor ass student, meng. You better understand you ain’t getting a drink from me in return, though)

(co-worker chick) “So, what are girls like in the States for you?”
(me) “Girls in the States? They aight. But, I’m not in the States right now, so let’s talk about you.”
(I’m about freaking 1000 miles away from the States...I don’t even want to think about them girls now...let’s talk about you, and answer the question of how you maintain that beautiful ass of yours)

(co-worker) “Another drink?”
(me) “Yeah, sure, thank you.”
(Hell yeah, my meng! Keep them drinks coming!)

(attractive co-worker) “How old do you think I am?”
(me) 23? 24?
(attractive co-worker) I’m 17.
(me) “Are you serious?! You’re not shitting me?”
(attractive co-worker) “No, I’m not “shitting you” Your accent is so cute.”
(17?! Am I fucking cursed? Does every attractive girl in London have to be younger than 18? That’s it. I’m not going to resist it anymore. Thou hast tempted me...wait, I don’t have an accent!? You’ve got an accent! I’m the normal sounding one here. Whatever, I’m sure I can think of other things to do with my tongue besides talk...)

(co-worker) “Another drink, mate?”
(me) “You know it.”
(You know it)

(attractive co-worker) “Are you actually listening to a word I say?”
(me) “To be honest with you, not really. I’m just getting lost in your beautiful eyes.”
(Wow, I’m saying that? Oh shitted, I’m regaining my touch, meng...I just hope that this liquor doesn’t make me pull a “SpED” and have me profess undying love to this chick)

(attractive co-worker) “What are your plans for tonight?”
(me) “Don’t really have any at the moment, but I certainly wouldn’t mind spending a couple more minutes shooting the breeze with you”
(attractive co-worker) “You want to come over to my place?”
(me) “Now you’re talking my language. I thought you’d never ask.”
(Signed, Sealed, and Delivered...it’s a wrap. It’s about time we cut to the chase. )

Later...

(attractive co-worker) “Who’s that calling you?”
(me) “Don’t worry about it, it’s just my roommate”
(Great, Michelle. Perfect timing. I’ll call your ass later and be like, “TIIMMMMBBERRRR!!” But I ain’t got no minutes)

(attractive co-worker) “Why don’t you pick it up? She your girlfriend or something?”
(me) “Nah, calm that down. She’s one of my best friends from college.”
(Bitch, I know you ain’t trying to start some shit over Michelle. Girl, whether or not I had a girlfriend doesn’t really matter now, does it? If I did, I already done fucked up, so we might as well finish the job, anyway. Please, don’t become a possessive jealous wench on me. I should make you sign my Contract...)

(attractive co-worker) “Your phone is ringing again. Why don’t you pick it up?”
(me) “Eh, don’t worry about it. Right now, all I’m concerned with is this moment I’m sharing with you.”
(attractive co-worker) “You’re so sweet”
(Good lord, woman. I’m glad you fell for the bait. Sheesh, you’re beginning to make me feel that I’m doing something wrong or something.)

(me) “That was fun”
(In the famous words from Paris, ‘I saw, I conquered, and I came”)

(attractive co-worker) “Are you going to tell your friends all about me when you go back home?”
(me) “Why wouldn’t I?”
(attractive co-worker) “And you’re going to tell them that you came to London and got yourself an English chick?”
(me) “I’ll just tell them, quite simply, one thing. ‘I Love London,’ and that’s all there is to it.
( ‘I Love London.’ A little tiny phrase that means so much.)