Thursday, January 06, 2005

The Choke

There are very few times that anyone will ever catch me saying this about myself. But, in this case, I have completely earned it.

I choked

Yes, people. ME. I choked. I had the perfect opportunity to finally tell someone how I felt about them, and I blew it.

Imagine spending YEARS pining over someone, constantly thinking of them, waiting for the time you can finally see them again, and when you do, what happens? YOU DON'T SAY SHIT. Perhaps the fantasy I had constructed in my mind had become so powerful and farfetched, that I KNEW nothing I did was ever going to come close to the kind of image I had created. I had always seen myself pulling her aside, making her laugh a little, looking into her eyes, gently touching the tips of her fingers as I inch closer to her lips to plant a soft, lingering kiss that would make the hairs on the back of her neck stand up. Instead, I just sat there and looked down at the floor, hoping for a moment that would never come. I looked to her, longingly, almost as if I expected her to make it easier on me and come over to me to make my fantasy a reality. Instead, I just sat as an outsider, her mingling among her family, while I sat there toying with a yo-yo. What made me so, "shy", as someone else put it? Perhaps it was the fact that I knew nothing could work over long distances, or maybe I was afraid of her family being there. Was I afraid of other people looking at me? Or was I afraid of her reaction?

Perhaps, it WAS the latter. Some might say that the worst that can happen is that she can say "no," but I know better.

At least if I don't ask, I'll still keep the fantasy. And right now, with the way things are going, that little slice of Heaven is the closest thing I have right now to Perfection.

Somehow, that kiss goodbye on the cheek didn't quite cut it.

So back to New York I go. Another opportunity squandered. Another kiss unfulfilled.


Blogger Ivy said...

oh yeah i know what u mean. when i was back in middle school that was what had happened. i crush on a guy. he asks me on a date but i keep so quiet and i'm usually an extrovert. i guess i feared spoiling it all if he didn't like me after that. now that i'm more experienced.. i realized it screws up more if i'm not myself.

2:34 PM  
Blogger Jose said...

::shakes head:: i got nothin' to say man. I want to say a lot, but on the real, everything u just said was immaculate. Peace.

2:57 PM  
Blogger Zulay said...

ahhh, hun... you know... it is for the best. Patience is a virtue and you know me, everything happens for a reason...

the time will come :-)


3:32 PM  
Blogger Sally said...

Oh, I am so sorry!

2:59 PM  
Blogger Veronica said...

There will definitely be another opportunity. I guess it just wasn't the time to tell her.

Perhaps she's very interested and is just waiting for you to come around. Maybe you could get a phone number and call her. Even if you don't do that maybe you'll just have to take another trip down there. I'm sure she's worth it, right? Whatever you decide, GOOD LUCK! :o)

12:17 PM  
Blogger djkibblesnbits said...

Thanks for the support, guys. I appreciate all the little virtual pats on the shoulder that I can get for this particular situation. It's just so frustrating to have all these plans go to waste because I couldn't pull the trigger, but hey, I guess there was a reason I didn't.

3:04 AM  

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