Sunday, February 13, 2005

Values of "Cockblocking" (or lack thereof)

(Well...this is's finally published...hope you guys enjoy it..leave comments aplenty!)

Cockblock: 1. v. To facilitate an action upon another person that prevents said person from engaging in a sexual activity with another individual. e.g.: I was getting ready to bag the shit out of Monica, but Jeff cockblocked me. 2. n. The act itself. 3. n. Person or thing that facilitates said action. May also be referred as a cockblocker

Along with murder and adultery, cockblocking is one of the world's most vile crimes. Every single waking second, 100 people are cockblocked somewhere in the world, all denied coveted access to the very activity we were placed on this planet to do; have sex. In many cases, the actual cockblocking agent is actually an intentional one, put in place to prevent someone from performing their humanly duty of coitus. In other cases, the act is an indirect consequence of another particular action or individual. There are even cases where a cockblock is initiated through more natural means, such as a direct connection to weather patterns and other eniviornmental conditions that would facilitate such a barrier to sex that it would effectively cockblock an individual from engaging in sexual activity with another person.

There are four classifications of the cockblock that help classify each particular instance:

1) Confrontational: The most well known brand of the cockblock. The cockblocks that are classified into this category are the ones that are directly established by someone in order to prevent another person from having sex, usually manifested by an intense desire to either express their apparent jealousy over the other person's potential conquest. A confrontational cockblock can be carried out through as simple a move as physically getting in between said individual and their target, to something as underhanded as taking the time to pulling the potential target aside and airing the other person's "dirty laundry" to sway the potential target's opinion.

2) Friendly Fire: These cockblocks are usually initiated by friends or associates that have no single idea that they are potentially keeping their buddies from "getting some." Ranging from saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, to simply becoming what is known as a "homing beacon" (AKA: Someone who looks a shitload better than you), these people commit cockblocking actions without really meaning to; it just happens.

3) Parental: Parents are God's most natural and numerous of all cockblockers. They want nothing more than for their children to remain virgins until the day they die. (Though, of course, they want grandkids, but they don't want to know how they actually appeared in the first place.) These kinds of cockblocks are not necessarily limited to parents either; they can be brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, or close friends of the family. Techniques used to manifest the cockblock action range from limiting access to potential sexual partner (i.e. Curfews, no phone calls, the "tag-along" [brother or sister goes everywhere person goes], separate bedrooms) to more Confrontational forms. In many cases, the power of the Parental Cockblock dwindles with age and marriage, but is still present through more subtle actions, such as a "visit from the in-laws."

4) Circumstantial: The most unpreventable of all cockblocks. Ranging from Acts of God (i.e. weather) to pre-existing physical and psychological conditions (i.e. foul moods, menstrual cycles, constant thought of the "ex"), these cockblocks can happen at any given time, and are often among the most frustrating in nature. Some occurrences can be circumvented, to a certain degree, but for the most part, these cockblocks are incredibly difficult to work with.

Now, in a perfect world, there would be no such thing as "cockblocking." Alas, the "perfect world" is all but a dream, and thus, we must deal with such ignoble actions. At some point in our lives, we've all encountered all four forms of the cockblock, and for many of us, we've also manifested quite a few of our own. This then begs the question, "Is there a such thing as a 'good' cockblock?" This is almost like asking, "Is there such a thing as a 'good' gun?" And the answer is, "no" for both cases, but there are clear times when we have the right to utilize such weapons. Now some of you might be asking, "well, who determines who has the "right" and who doesn't?" And the answer to that question lies with your peers; if you're thought of as an unrelenting cockblocker, then you might find yourself losing friends, decreasing invitations to parties, and eventually, all-out excommunication. And word will get out there. You'll find random people calling you "the 'block" or worse, a Latino Greek. (And no one wants that, right? :-) ) Therefore, for your social well-being, it's best that you use cockblocks sparingly and adhere to a few guidelines:

1) If you are intentionally cockblocked, you have the right and the responsibility of cockblocking them back unless you are the individual that initiated a block in the first place.

Simple stuff right here. You MUST cockblock someone back if they cockblocked you on purpose, or else not only have you lost potential buns, but you've also lost respect among your peers. In the cutthroat game of singles life, it is necessary for you to save face.

2) Do not cockblock someone else if you already have someone to go home with for the night.

Another simple guideline. Simply put, don't be greedy. If you have someone to take home for the night, don't cockblock someone else because they happen to be trying to get with someone you've had your eye on. Do this, and you might just find yourself not taking ANYONE home for the night.

3) You have the ultimate right to cockblock if someone tries getting with your significant other.

You have the ultimate freedom to do what is necessary to prevent someone from macking to your significant other. No one will fault you for that at all. You actually might be looked down upon if you don't.

Whether or not your significant other approves is a different story...and definitions of "significant other" do apply...

4) There is a thin line between "friendly advice" and cockblocking. Don't cross it.

I'm sure there have been many instances where you travel with a bunch of friends to a party or something like that, and one of your peeps is trying to hook up with some random low-life. Now, you've got your friend's best interests in mind, so you definitely don't want them to hook up with that person. You're allowed to pull them to the side and let them know just how you feel, and possibly even point them in another direction, but you are NOT allowed to physically pull or get in between your friend and their potential conquest. Everything else flirts with danger, though. Exceptions apply if friend in question is too inebriated.

5)"Friendly Fire" cockblocks are not subject to direct retribution

As annoying as they can be, do not cockblock your friends because they indirectly cockblocked you first. That's just wrong. I mean, come on; you guys are friends! However, if their cockblock was intentional, shit, it's your duty to teach them a friendly lesson in Cockblock Economics.

So, that's it. Cockblocking is inherently awful, but necessary in some cases as some people will cockblock without abandon. Try not to cockblock this Valentine's Day, but if you absolutely have to, make sure you get 'em good!


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