Tuesday, February 28, 2006

No Omega

"Snores. All I can hear are snores," I thought to myself.

And they weren't my own.

As I laid in bed staring at the ceiling at 4:30 AM, I wondered to myself when the hell I was going to go back to sleep. I rolled over and saw my mother on the other side, peacefully knocked out. I smacked myself on the forehead, trying to come up with SOME way of going back to sleep. I couldn't understand why I was so restless. At first I thought maybe it was the whole "I'm not home" thing, but then I thought that maybe it was just me being in Houston. Something was bothering me. I couldn't put my finger on it, but whatever it was, I was worried about something...

During my Houston trip over the Holiday Break, I kept on having this recurring dream where I was trapped inside of my aunt Ruth's ginormous house. For whatever reason, I couldn't find an exit. In the dream, my search for an exit grew more frantic as I kept on going from room to room. To make matters worse, my aunt's rather obnoxious shih-tzu kept following me, yapping about. I was going insane; I had been in that house alone for what felt like an eternity. After awhile, my frustration came to a head when I heard this annoying alarm go off.


And then I would wake up. During the week or so that I stayed down in Texas, I had that same dream on four different occasions. I couldn't understand why I kept on having that vision. What I did know was that afterward, I felt restless.

One morning, I mentioned the dream that I kept having to my mother, my uncle Angel, and my aunt Vicki. Vicki's eyes lit up as she thought it was as good a time as any to bring out the fabled "suenos", or "dreams" book. Now, for those of you unfamiliar with Latino culture, basically, EVERY Latino family has a book at home that deals with dreams and the meanings behind them. For example, if someone is dreaming of fish over and over again, the book explains that the fish are symbols of new life, which in turn, means that someone close to you is about to have a child. It's all ridiculous superstition, if you ask me, but so many people place such importance on stuff like this, that I have no choice but to listen to these kinds of things all the time. Out of respect for those that buy into that stuff, I've learned to just keep quiet whenever these kinds of conversations are brought up. Last thing I need is a sandal to the face from a devout believer.

So, of course, Vicki found my particular dream within that book. I mean, the book entry didn't specifically say, "Aunt Ruth's house, annoying shih-tzu, etc" but, it did match in the general sense. My aunt read the meaning of the dream aloud:

"You're trying to get away from a problem that you've been having, but you have yet to find your way through it."

A problem that I couldn't get away from? At first, I couldn't put my finger on what problem that could possibly be. But then, my answer was revealed about a week later, when I discovered that I did not fulfill my requirements for graduation. Suddenly, it all made sense. The house I couldn't escape from symbolized school, and the alarm that went off was a symbol that my "time" had run out. I had been in school past my time, and I could not get away. The dog, was, I guess, just a stupid element my brain added into the dream just to make things interesting for itself. (God, I really hate that dog.)

So now, with this semester, I have officially hit my fifth year in college. FIFTH-YEAR. Such a dubious honor. I don't know what's worse, though: The fact that I'm a fifth-year senior, or that I've actually grown comfortable with the idea. At first, whenever it was brought up in a class setting or something, I would usually see some snot-nosed junior smirk whenever they realized how much time I spent in school, and get angry at myself. But then, after awhile, I discovered two things: A) I'm intellectually superior to about 94.5% of my peers and B) I really wasn't ready to leave college. Not to be egotistical or anything, but the first one was a given. I just needed to reassure myself of that fact by staying quiet in all my classes for a few days and listen to the myriad of ridiculously misguided comments that came out the mouths of my fellow classmates. It's amazing how class dynamics change when I'm not the one answering all the questions.

When I came to the conclusion that I wasn't ready to leave school, everything just clicked. About two weeks ago, after dodging yet another question about what I'm doing to do post-graduation, I realized that if I had left school last year, I would've been completely lost. I would not have known what direction to go. Now, a year later, I'm still in that position, but the key difference is that I'm in a much better position to take advantage of campus resources to find some kind of niche I could fill. As this semester goes on, I'm beginning to see signs all over the place that somehow, I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. It's hard to explain, but I know that this extra year, and particularly, this semester, will absolutely shape what I do for the next few years. I don't know how it's all going to end up, but between me running around trying to become a super photographer/filmmaker, and my leading a massive research project at the University, deep down inside, I know that this is it. This is the ONE.

Now, all that's left is making a visit to the Career Services office, and soon, my future will come into full view.

And maybe, just maybe, I can get out of that dreaded house. And kick the shit out of that fucking dog while I'm at it.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm glad you're reconciled to it, cause it was sure as hell bugging the shit out of me that you couldn't get your head around finishing school. Oh, and by the way I don't snore!! :-~~~


2:05 PM  

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