Wednesday, August 25, 2004

All the Ups and Downs…

Well…I’m back in Cuse…somehow…

In what seemed to pass in an instant, the past two months I’ve spent in NYC have certainly been “interesting,” to say the least. My first few weeks in the city were spent running around living the life of a social butterfly, as I tried to make up for lost time spent in London, away from everyone. It wasn’t long before things turned sour, and Drama smacked me across the face. I couldn’t escape the BS; it followed me no matter where I turned…

At least I got a gig at Billboard Magazine. (Once again, thanks Anna) I guess I never fully explained my experiences there to any degree of detail, but to sum it all up, I got there, met some people, spent a lot of time dealing with HTML coding, and then in the last week, all the interesting stuff began to come my way. I actually got a chance to write reviews for the magazine, which is great shit. Now, I actually have clippings to add to my portfolio when I begin lying, er, I mean, “marketing,” myself to companies about my past work experience. I wish I could’ve stayed at Billboard a bit longer; I was beginning to enjoy feeling important and working in the infamous “deadline” mode…which served to provide another excuse for why I’m late meeting someone…

“Sorry, babe, but it was deadline day…”

…Just don’t let them figure out when exactly “deadline” day really is. J

I’m definitely going to miss the free CDs, the free concerts, and getting mail from record companies in MY name. (Yeah, I really felt all important after that.)

…One of the goals I had set this summer for myself was to somehow rebuild bridges with some people I’ve lost contact with over time. I managed to do that with Eve, and also, in a surprise move, I spoke with Nayrobi for the first time in two years. Nothing major was achieved with the latter person, but definitely opening up communications again, no matter how small, is a big move in itself. Sure, I didn’t hit all the people I wanted to speak to, but I figure I can eventually get to them with time. I can’t rush into it in anyway, or else the gravity of each situation will never be understood fully. It’s definitely a work in progress…

…By the same token however, it seems as if for every friend I gain or regain, I lose one. I guess I have a limit to how many friends I can have at once, or whatever. I don’t want it to be that way, but that’s the way it’s playing out. I guess this is where Anna’s line of, “I have too many friends,” comes into play. Like sorry, buddy, I can’t be your friend because I’ve hit my limit. It sucks, meng.

Like I say, though, “you can’t be friends with everyone.”

…What the fuck was going on when someone in the sky decided to make getting up to Syracuse a fucking monumental task? Never mind that I really wasn’t in that much of a rush to get here, but, shit, for various reasons, I had to drag my ass from the city into Cuse. Each and everytime, though, it was one big freaking fiasco. Why couldn’t shit be simple? But, I guess, as I learned from my experiences in Europe, NOTHING is simple. There’s always some kind of hidden trap or loophole for shit to slide out of. Shit would’ve been a whole lot easier if I still had Cookie to depend on for my travels to and from Syracuse, but, alas, even if I had her, I would’ve have had to have spent so much money just to maintain that Jeep. (Which, as I’ve stated over and over again, I don’t have)

This time around, I was supposed to get a U-Haul truck to get up to Cuse with my roommates, Zulay and Justine. However, because of miscommunication, and complete lack of motivation, people forgot to reserve the truck on time. So, what wound up happening was that our price quote for the truck jumped from 140 to 400 bucks. That jump in price made our U-Haul option a null one, and I personally had to begin searching for some other method of getting my shit up there. The second option I had was to rent a car. I thought it was too good to be true when I called up AVIS Car Rental and not only got a car at the last minute, but also got the underage surcharge dropped, thanks to my affiliation with the ‘Fucks. After getting there with shit ready to go, I was denied the car thanks to a freaking unauthorized charge to my credit card. I was screaming to freaking pay cash money for the freaking rental, but they didn’t want to take it. I was like, “what the fuck?!” (I guess cash isn’t good enough for anyone anymore) So, after having a “woe is me” moment, I regained my composure, and got the wheels turning on making moves to Cuse. I called Zulay and was pretty much like, “get up there on your own, bitch,” and opted to take JetBlue, leaving the bulk of my shit behind, and hoping for the best. As it turns out, Zu offered to take my stuff up after speaking to her parents, who opted to drive up a mini-van to Cuse. (As this is happening while I’m typing this entry, I have no idea how it’s going to turn out…but, alas, I keep in mind, NOTHING is simple!)

(WARNING: Vent Alert!!) None of this would’ve happened if I had opted to go on my own from the get-go. I would’ve had a ride, I would’ve had peace of mind about my stuff, and, I would be headache free. But, of course, I had to play the whole “teamwork” card. Man, fuck teamwork. Fuck friends. As was the theme this entire fucking summer for me, I was reinforced with the idea that you can’t fucking depend on nobody but your damn self. I ain’t trying to dog my friends or anything like that, but, c’mon, shit is ridiculous. I’ve been fucked over on so many occasions depending on someone else to do right by me. I made the stupid ass assumption that just because I would be willing to help out someone in the same situation, that other people would, too. But, as I say, when you “assume” you make an “ass” out of “u” and “me.”

The sooner I can fend for myself, the better off I’ll be. But, I guess I gotta go down before I go up, right?

(NOTE: For all those that have helped me out thus far in my recent struggles, I thank ya’ll, and in no way am I dogging you guys for the stuff that you’ve helped me out with. It’s just that I’m frustrated because I am no longer in control of stuff that I should have complete control over, and I am struggling to regain it back. I don’t want to depend on anyone, and the sooner I can do that, the better off I’ll be. Alas, control is coming back REAL quick…)

So yeah…woooosaaahhhhh...

…So yeah, I’m back in Cuse right now, chilling with my Avondale crew. I’m hanging out with Spunky, the chinchilla again. It’s interesting being back here, considering that exactly the same time last year, I was in the same exact place, with the same people, holding it down. There’s one major difference, though…no Chiyo…I must admit, although I’ve been to Syracuse a few times this summer before I came up here for the final move, I never really got the closure I needed to move on. I thought I did, but, yesterday, as I was walking towards the SU campus from Avondale Pl., a well of emotions flooded my mind. Everything hit me all at once. Memories. Conversations. The feelings. Everything. Now, more than ever, I don’t know what the hell I’m going to do when I see her again. Officially, it’s been more than seven months, almost eight, since I last saw her. I don’t regret our breakup at all in the least, because we really did need a break from one another. I’m certainly not clamoring to have her back, but I do wish that we had parted on much different terms. We had too much of a foundation just for us to part ways the manner we did. One can argue that it’s the “other guy” factor that’s making this difficult, and while there’s some credence to that argument, the fact is that the girl makes her own decisions. She chose to cut ties with me despite all the good times we had, and the friendship we developed. No one forced it on her. And I guess, out of everything that happened, that’s the one thing that I have a problem accepting; the fact that she chose to cut me from her life. I feel that I did everything I possibly could to “get it right” while I was with her. I showed loyalty, was a shoulder to lean on, I made her laugh, I listened to her, I cherished the small things, I defended her, showed my love, sacrificed, provided advice, was honest, and above all, I never wronged her. And towards the end, even during the final rough patch before it all ended, I felt she did the same for me. And that’s why I have a problem dealing with it. I go back to the same question of “why?” What did I do wrong? How do I avoid it happening again? I thought I had already asked these questions a long time ago when I was in London, but I guess now that I’m within a mile of her, I’m forced to seriously consider them. The next few weeks will be emotional, to be sure, but, as I have in the past, I will simply get back up and walk away from it all. I’ll stop asking the questions. I’ll stop wondering, “why” and begin to instead think, “SOOO WAAATTT!!!” Because, I KNOW I did all I could. I KNOW I have a reason to be proud of myself. And I KNOW that I will move on.

…Especially since there are some beautiful fucking girls coming to SU. :-D My future hasn’t looked this bright in a long time…I’m getting money again, have a chance to start over, and, I’m all the wiser from my past experiences.

Here’s to the new Up! I’m back in Cuse. Let’s get my last year off to a running start.


Blogger Jose said...

Wow, I'm so cool. I get to comment now. Anyways, tru indeed. It's so funny how this whole summer was a mixture of you depending on people and not depending on people. You got to be Michelle's roomate for a bulk of the summer, but then you had the drama with __ and __. Then there was the drama with ___ where you couldn't get your car, but you got a job with Anna's help. Then you come up to Syracuse, but can't get that situation taken care of while ur up here. You lead a typical Scorpio lifestyle haha. Peace out

1:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Before I forget at the end, it's Sam, no longer MIA. So here's my advice, breath and enjoy your last year! I know what you mean about "marketing" yourself to places with a less then appealing portfolio. I think I have maybe 6 articles and they're all from the school paper, not gonna look as hot as BillBoard! But again, don't worry and just realx because this is just the beginning of life, so if you don't want to depend on others just cut it off, don't let yourself fall back into it because it's hard to get out trust me!! Love u and miss u!!!oh and ** ask Anna what that means!

2:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Glad I was able to help you out this summer, Ray. Have a blast this year in 'Cuse, you definitly deserve it. Keep in touch, let me know how all your "plans" work out ;O)

4:27 PM  

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